Letter to Our Family and Friends

Dearest family & friends,

It's finally time for us to go and bring our boys home!!! As David and Samuel's parents and forever family, we are committed to doing what we believe is best to help them thrive. This will take a lot of work on our part, and understanding and cooperation from everyone around us.  Because you care for our family, we want to share the following information to help you assist us in laying a strong and healthy emotional foundation for the boys.  Many of you have heard us talk about all of this before, but we wanted to lay it all out here in one place so that everyone can truly understand what we've been talking about!

FORMING ATTACHMENT  Attachment between a parent and child occurs over time. In a normal parent/child relationship, when a child communicates a physical or emotional need, a parent meets the need and soothes the child. This attachment cycle repeats over and over again, creating a trusting and secure relationship between the child and his parents. By God's design, a foundation of attachment is laid in the tiniest of babies that will profoundly impact their behavior, learning, health, emotions, relationships and values for the rest of their lives.

INTERRUPTIONS IN ATTACHMENT Children who come home through international adoption have experienced interruptions in this attachment process. The loss of their biological mother and/or father at an early age is a major trauma on their little hearts, whether they are a few weeks or several years old. Spending months or years in an orphanage disrupts the attachment process even further.

RECREATING ATTACHMENT  When David and Samuel come home, they will be understandably overwhelmed. They have lost the only caregivers that they remember, and everything around them is new and different. They will be just beginning to learn about their new environment, love and family; both David and Samuel did not experience God's design for a family in an orphanage setting.  The best way for us to form a parent/child bond with both David and Samuel is to be the only ones to hold, snuggle, kiss, instruct, soothe and feed them for the first couple months.  During this time, as part of the "cocooning" process, the boys will have structure, boundaries, and close proximity to us that is different than a child who enters a family at birth. Please be assured that we did not make these decisions lightly: our adjustment and parenting plan has been thoughtfully made based on many months of education, research, and prayer.

As we promptly and consistently meet all of their needs in a predictable, secure environment, David and Samuel will learn that we are their parents, that the world is a good place, that their needs make sense, and that they can trust us to meet their needs and love them deeply. We are, essentially, recreating the newborn parent/child connection. After the boys establish this important bond with us, they will be able to form other meaningful relationships and modulate their emotions, growing into healthy, well-adjusted young men notwithstanding the challenges in their little lives that brought them to us.

HOW YOU MAY HELP Please understand that we want nothing more than to have David and Samuel hugged, cuddled and cherished by ALL of you (they are, after all, totally irresistible!). Until they have a firm understanding of family and primary attachments, however, we would be grateful if you would limit your physical contact with them, and redirect them to us if you see that they are seeking out food, affection or comfort. Sharing this request is difficult for us because we have snuggled, cared for, fed and loved so many of your children, but it is necessary because of David and Samuel's circumstances.

Please set physical boundaries. It is important that other adults refrain from what is typically considered normal, physical contact with the boys. This will (for a while) include things like holding, excessive hugging and kissing. Children who have spent time in an orphanage are inclined to superficially attach to anyone and everyone, which hinders their most important, primary relationship with their new parents. Behaviors that may seem benign, such as being exceptionally charming or indiscriminately affectionate, may actually be examples of a hurting child who is unable to distinguish between the roles of parents and strangers. By setting physical boundaries as the adult, you will help David and Samuel learn the difference between you and us. Waving, blowing kisses or high fives are perfectly appropriate and welcome!

Please redirect the boys’ desire to have their physical and emotional needs met by anyone (including friends and strangers), to having us meet them. Orphans often have so many caretakers that they, as a survival mechanism, become overly charming and affectionate toward all adults, including those outside their family unit. It may appear harmless and as if they are simply being "very friendly," but it is actually quite dangerous for the child's development and should be discouraged until primary attachments have been established.

RISK If we seem overly focused on this topic, we are: this is too important to get wrong. Children who fail to establish a healthy bond with their parents may suffer the rest of their lives with Reactive Attachment Disorder, which causes severe interpersonal and behavioral difficulties into adulthood. While we want to let you hold and closely interact with David and Samuel, the risk is too great these first few months, and the potential consequences too devastating. We hope that you will understand and support us in making these tough choices for our sons’ long-term well being.

We are incredibly blessed to have so many friends and loved ones around us. Thank you again for your never-ending love, prayers and support during our adoption journey.  We will continue to rely on all of you as we adjust to life as a family of five!

Love,

Jason and Chris