The Trauma Center

I haven't been moved by the blog-o-riffic spirit lately... I have been in more of a blog-taker mode. You know, enjoying reading everyone else's blogs. It has actually been good for me. Cathartic.

Thanks to all the bloggy peeps continuing to share their lives with me. You have blessed me.

Here are instructions for "after the airport" that I am copying from a blog I enjoy:

For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center.

Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.

So I'll add: When I mention that the boys came with quite a lot of baggage, don't tell me that everyone has baggage. No 3-1/2 year old should have to deal with so much. Not. A. One. And yes our boys are loud and rambunctious. They are boys. And two of them are traumatized and healing. The effects of adoption on little kids can look like PTSD or ADHD sometimes. So are they normal, crazy boys or feeling the anxiety? I don't know. And all the stories about biological siblings... at this point I just feel like it is comparing apples and oranges. I don't even want to mention how it has been hard for me to attach to the boys. I don't want to hear stories of how hard it was for you to attach to your biological child. It's not the same. And I don't want to hear about your twins. This is twins on STEROIDS. Right now, we're having our external "womb time". All the conflicting emotions you have during pregnancy. All the fears and what-have-we-done's and uh-oh-we-can't-turn-back-now's. But we get to do it with everyone watching. Good times, good times.

Our 6 year old has to deal with curious/mean kids at school staring and asking questions about the munchkins' facial deformities. I appreciate the curious ones, but even I am getting tired of the mean ones.  Every single time we go to school we are confronted with both. Every time. Our 6 year old handles it with grace and strength and pride. Not a bit of embarrassment or shame. I am so proud of him. And you know, I do like the stories about how our boys are acting just like regular siblings when they tease each other and fight. I like those. Those make me feel warm and fuzzy and like we're actually heading to that normal place. Whatever that is.

Now we're dealing with some new fears with one of the munchkins. Scary stuff. New trauma territory. I don't feel like sharing that here right now. But if you are in my real-life world, I just might hit you up for an ear and a shoulder :o)

Another bloggy friend who recently adopted shared how she has been feeling disconnected and melancholy lately. She let those feelings fester and they just got worse. Now that she has opened up to the people closest to her, she is able to start healing and reconnecting. I read this blog post a couple weeks after she wrote it, but it was perfect timing for where I am at right now. Thank you, bloggy friend, for helping me too.

So I latch on to the other adoptive parents around me. They get it.

I try not to literally latch on and grab them and hug them and cry sobbing on their shoulders. (sorry about that...)

"...this phase is so very hard on everyone". Yes, ma'am. It is. I gotsta be turning to the One who can help.

(((hugs))),
chris


Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.