Trauma ramblings

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) for the diagnosis of PTSD is that "the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others. The person's response to the event must involve intense fear, helplessness, or horror."


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Imagine that you are a few days old, and you wake up alone on the sidewalk on a bridge or in a train station. Instead of the familiar smell, heartbeat and arms of your mother to comfort you when you cry, no one comes for what seems like forever. When someone finally notices you, it is a stranger. Imagine then, that for the next 6 months or a year or more you are confined to a crib where you are cared for sporadically by many people who also care for many other babies. No one picks you up when you cry. You are not fed when you are hungry, but fed when it is convenient for your caregiver. Your bottle is propped in your mouth and if it falls out you may not get more until the next bottle 8 hours later. Your diaper is dirty. You are cold. You are not held enough or loved enough if at all. And when you are scared at night because of the dark and the crying of other babies, you are left to comfort yourself.*

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Trauma occurs when an event elicits fear, helplessness and overstimulation in a child.

I think institutionalization always causes trauma.

There are many studies out there that show that trauma and stress cause physiological and chemical changes in the brain. When the trauma is experienced in children while the brain is still developing, the effects have huge consequences. Trauma can affect a child's cognition, gross and fine motor skills, language development, social interactions, attachment and trust, and self-perception. I am not smart enough or articulate enough to explain all of this, and there are whole books written on this topic. But I think the most important thing for adoptive parents to know is that their kids' brains are different than other kids' brains. These little brains are both physiologically and chemically different because while their brains were developing, these kids were living in a place of fight-flight-freeze-dissociation. Their brains and bodies lived in a stress-induced cortisol bath for weeks or months or years. This can cause behaviors such as aggression/rage, depression, attention/hyperactivity issues, anxiety, or withdrawing/avoidance.

The kind of behaviors that teachers call home about.

From the Post Institute website:

"Any family adopting a child from an orphanage should be informed that regardless of the age the child is going to have challenges in forming healthy, secure attachment for some time. They should be informed that their neurologic development is most likely challenged in key areas regarding social development and this will take time to repair, and their stress response system is highly sensitized and reactive."

"Highly sensitized and reactive". I wonder why.

We have stress reactions in our house. I will share just a couple of them here. One gets stressed and freezes and has a deer-in-the-headlights look (dissociation) ~ maybe triggered by fear of being "bad" or doing something wrong or making mom mad. One increases his neediness and clinginess exponentially and needs mama/baba several times a night and cries about missing whoever is not with him (fight) ~ maybe triggered by fear of losing those people close to him which has happened several times in his life.

I am not sure if we fit the APA's definition of PTSD or not. Thank God we do not have RAD in our house (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I pray God's blessing over all those families dealing with RAD. What we do have is persistent and pervasive issues related to loss and trauma that we deal with daily.

I think this is just an inherent part of adoption.

I think it is really important to always keep this in mind when our munchkins are struggling with anything.

I expect we will be dealing with this for years if not for all their lives to some degree.

While I am talking about these issues caused by trauma, these issues do not DEFINE who are kids are. These issues are just one part of them, and as their parents we need to be aware of the adoption-related issues and remember what caused them. Then we can love them and parent them and help our kids heal from their trauma, while nurturing and appreciating our kids' other amazing parts like
   a great sense of humor or
   an incredible memory or
   a loving attitude or 
   great imaginative play or
   a natural musical aptitude or
   a new addiction to Legos
   a love of books or
   great athletic ability or
crikey I could go on and on.

They are kids first.

Like I mentioned in my last post, these hard places we have been do not define us, but rather that those hard places get woven into us and shape us and become a beautiful part of us. 

Thank you, Lord, for answered prayers.

(((hugs))),
chris

Give your burdens to the Lord,
and he will take care of you.
He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

Psalm 55:22


*I can't remember where I saw this story, so I can't appropriately credit the author.

A Year Ago this month

I was ANGRY.

Pissed-off.

Black-cloud over my head.

Stick-a-fork-in-me DONE.

I was angry at myself (How could I not instantly love the poor little, former-orphan child? Am I a monster?)

I was angry at God (Why did he take so many babies from us? He brought these munchkins here, where is He now? Why aren't we just clicking?).

I was angry that we had to adopt at all (Why couldn't we just have just given birth to one of those six babies we lost? WTF? Just one?).

I was angry at all the books I ever read about adoption (Why didn't someone mention that I could be the one having trouble attaching?).

I was angry at anyone who said we looked like we were so happy. Anyone who told us how lucky the boys are. Anyone who said oh the boys are doing so well. (Really? Come home with me and I'll show you. Happy, shmappy.)

Because outward appearances are easy. Because seeing us for an hour or a couple hours only gives you one small snapshot of us. What's happening the rest of the time and inside your heart and head can be polar opposite.

And who was I to complain? I felt like I should just shut up and suck it up and just appreciate that God gave me the opportunity to be a mother again. I desperately wanted, cried for, prayed for, pleaded with God for another child. And here they were.

Shut up, Chris. You got what you asked for.

A year ago in November I was an angry person. I was ashamed of my anger, so I tried to fake it. "Fake it 'til you make it" was my motto. My mantra.

One day at a time.

I was barely surviving.

Hanging on by my fingernails.

But in the middle of "faking it", I felt pretty crappy. And I had to walk around being crappy-me whilst trying to be a good mama to my three boys.

Polar opposites.

A year later, and God gives me perspective. He has shown me over this past year that He has been there the whole time.

          Duh.

I will never forget my lowest day. On this lowest day, my get-me-outta-here-I-give-up day, #1 was at school and #2 and #3 were running all over the house playing. I sat at the table with the black cloud over my head and the computer on and tears streaming down my face and sobbing, looking up "post-adoption depression" and "post-adoption blues".

Did you know there is such a thing?
(insert a ray of sunshine through the black clouds here)

So on this lowest of low days, I talked with my hubby on the phone and well, I probably hung up on him because that's how I roll sometimes but I don't remember exactly... So he showed up at home. He left work to come take care of me.

I think he loves me.

Fast forward to our next visit with our social worker in February. She asked all the social workery questions about the kids attaching, and medical stuff, and how is our older son handling things, then she actually asked if we were having trouble attaching to the kids. I wanted to scream, "WHY DID NOONE EVER MENTION THIS BEFORE WE BROUGHT THESE KIDS HOME? WHY DIDN'T I EXPECT THAT I MIGHT BE THE ONE HAVING TROUBLE???" But time had passed since my lowest-get-me-outta-here day so I handled it a bit more tactfully. (insert thanks to God here)

I wonder if it was in some of the books that I read prior to adopting, and maybe I skipped over it? It could happen. After all, why would I expect to NOT attach right away? We wanted these kids so much and went through so much just to be parents again. We have an older son who we adore. Why would it be different for us, the parents?


So let's talk about a few places where God showed up over the past year...
1)  D starting school in November right around the time I was so angry - God gave me three mornings a week break for me, and David loves school so it was good for him too.
2)  Jas coming home from work on that meltdown day. God poured a little more glue in our marriage that day.
3) Books - especially The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Foli and Thompson. I recommend it to anyone who is adopting. Seriously. Go to Amazon and buy it. Or you can borrow my copy if you like.
4) Our church's adoption support group (praise God for L & L who organize it :-) and the adoption mom's coffee group that I went to a handful of times.
5) Another adoptive mom sharing this bit o' info from an adoption counselor: attachment for the adopted kids averages 6-9 months, and attachment for parents can average 12-18 months. That was my 2nd eye-opening, I saw the sun breaking through the clouds day.
6) Our friends who loved us and supported us and prayed for us. And who listened to me vent. A lot.
7) God using our Sunday morning service, as well as some adoption blogs I follow. He has used these sources so many stinkin' times to speak directly to me.
8) My mom-in-law sharing her experience being an adoptive parent. Letting me know it is going to be OK.
9) With the social worker in February.


Once I started talking with my husband and other adoptive parents, I didn't feel so alone. God put so many people in my life who "got it". It is always so cool to get a glimpse at how He orchestrates our lives. God placed people in our lives to help us get through this. What I was feeling was not uncommon in the land of adoptive parents.

I pray that He uses me to help other adoptive parents.

I pray that other adoptive families have their eyes opened to the side of parental attachment issues and post-adoption blues before their kids come home. I pray the social workers will include this in their pre-adoption sessions. Being caught off-guard by this really threw me a curve ball. It could have been very dangerous for our family.
......................
So fast forward to today. I am in a good place. The black cloud started lifting sometime around January-February of this year, and the hard months turned to good weeks and bad weeks, turned to good days and bad days. It continues to be a process. Now I have mostly good days sprinkled with some really difficult hours. I know it is OK to not like my kid sometimes. I know I won't ever love them all exactly the same. I know it will be a long road to teach the munchkins to not operate from a place of fear or desperation.

I know that the hard places we have been do not define us, but rather that those hard places get woven into us and shape us and are becoming a beautiful part of us.

Best of all, I know God has been there the whole time carrying me, guiding me, healing me, teaching me, and loving me.

(((hugs))),
chris


But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
    and through each night I sing his songs,
    praying to God who gives me life.
             Psalm 42:8

Happy Halloween

Here are pictures of the wild & ca-rayzee boys from last night:

Josh the Ninja

Dave the Racecar Driver and Sammy the Elmo
Why are their mouths open? you ask.
So they can YELL, of course ;-)

All three of the wild childs... Sam is punching the back of D's car...
'cuz that's what brothers do

So then I go looking through the rest of the Halloween pics and I find these four all in a row...

See any similarities between the four males in my house???

(((hugs))),
chris

No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good,
     and this is what he requires of you:
  to do what is right, to love mercy,
     and to walk humbly with your God.
                        Micah 6:8