The Trauma Center

I haven't been moved by the blog-o-riffic spirit lately... I have been in more of a blog-taker mode. You know, enjoying reading everyone else's blogs. It has actually been good for me. Cathartic.

Thanks to all the bloggy peeps continuing to share their lives with me. You have blessed me.

Here are instructions for "after the airport" that I am copying from a blog I enjoy:

For the next few months, do not assume the transition is easy. For 95% of us, it so is not. And this isn’t because our family is dysfunctional or our kids are lemons, but because this phase is so very hard on everyone. I can’t tell you how difficult it was to constantly hear: “You must be so happy!” and “Is life just so awesome now that they’re here??” and “Your family seems just perfect now!” I wanted that to be true so deeply, but I had no idea how to tell you that our home was actually a Trauma Center.

Do not act shocked if we tell you how hard the early stages are. Do not assume adoption was a mistake. Do not worry we have ruined our lives. Do not talk behind our backs about how terribly we’re doing and how you’re worried that we are suicidal. Do not ask thinly veiled questions implying that we are obviously doing something very, very wrong. Do not say things like, “I was so afraid it was going to be like this” or “Our other friends didn’t seem to have these issues at all.” Just let us struggle. Be our friends in the mess of it. We’ll get better.

So I'll add: When I mention that the boys came with quite a lot of baggage, don't tell me that everyone has baggage. No 3-1/2 year old should have to deal with so much. Not. A. One. And yes our boys are loud and rambunctious. They are boys. And two of them are traumatized and healing. The effects of adoption on little kids can look like PTSD or ADHD sometimes. So are they normal, crazy boys or feeling the anxiety? I don't know. And all the stories about biological siblings... at this point I just feel like it is comparing apples and oranges. I don't even want to mention how it has been hard for me to attach to the boys. I don't want to hear stories of how hard it was for you to attach to your biological child. It's not the same. And I don't want to hear about your twins. This is twins on STEROIDS. Right now, we're having our external "womb time". All the conflicting emotions you have during pregnancy. All the fears and what-have-we-done's and uh-oh-we-can't-turn-back-now's. But we get to do it with everyone watching. Good times, good times.

Our 6 year old has to deal with curious/mean kids at school staring and asking questions about the munchkins' facial deformities. I appreciate the curious ones, but even I am getting tired of the mean ones.  Every single time we go to school we are confronted with both. Every time. Our 6 year old handles it with grace and strength and pride. Not a bit of embarrassment or shame. I am so proud of him. And you know, I do like the stories about how our boys are acting just like regular siblings when they tease each other and fight. I like those. Those make me feel warm and fuzzy and like we're actually heading to that normal place. Whatever that is.

Now we're dealing with some new fears with one of the munchkins. Scary stuff. New trauma territory. I don't feel like sharing that here right now. But if you are in my real-life world, I just might hit you up for an ear and a shoulder :o)

Another bloggy friend who recently adopted shared how she has been feeling disconnected and melancholy lately. She let those feelings fester and they just got worse. Now that she has opened up to the people closest to her, she is able to start healing and reconnecting. I read this blog post a couple weeks after she wrote it, but it was perfect timing for where I am at right now. Thank you, bloggy friend, for helping me too.

So I latch on to the other adoptive parents around me. They get it.

I try not to literally latch on and grab them and hug them and cry sobbing on their shoulders. (sorry about that...)

"...this phase is so very hard on everyone". Yes, ma'am. It is. I gotsta be turning to the One who can help.

(((hugs))),
chris


Isaiah 41:10  So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Four Months

One-third of a year.

Four months.

That's it.

That's how long we've had both boys.

Here they are on August 1:


they have the blank, stressed-out, what-the-hell-is-happening-to-me stares

Here they are on December 1:

proud to show off his creation



boxes are fun

the brothers

no, Aunt Shel, you can NOT take him home with you

showing their true silliness

big bro' teaching them how to pose for the camera

our family ~ Yay, Team O!!!

Lord, thank you for trusting us to care for these two beautiful little boys. I am in awe of how your hand blessed us at every step of the way to bring these two home, and what an absolute perfect fit they are. You have cared for each of us through our initial transition, and you continue each day to heal the scars the boys carry with them. Thank you for weaving these munchkins into our family...

What a difference four months can make.

(((hugs))),
chris

First Day of School

I didn't cry.

I swear.

Well, maybe I got a little choked up and my eyes leaked. But just a little.

David was so cute yesterday. He could NOT understand why he had to wait to go to school. There are 55 minutes between big bro's school start time and his school start time. Let me tell ya, 55 minutes is a LOOOONG time to walk around the house wearing your backpack and talking about school.

Here he is:

Walking around the house wearing his backpack

We're finally at school

Ready for his first day of school!

Dropoff went fine. He was a little anxious/shy at first but the teaching assistant swooped him right up and took him off into the classroom. I love the teaching assistant. No phone calls all morning... but we were standing by and ready just in case! When we picked him up, we peeked into the window and he was sitting with his class on the carpet paying attention to the book the teacher was reading. Too cute... We were told that David did great ~ no problems at all ~ and that he is a joy to have in class.

The rest of the day, David bounced around the house in super-happy mode smiling and laughing and playing tricks on us. And wearing his backpack. And reading the note that his big bro left in his backpack for him that morning. I guess he really really really really likes school.

So we're at yet another new stage in our life. Our second kid is officially in school.

And yep, he sure is a joy. :o)

(((hugs))),
chris



For you, LORD, are the Most High over all the earth;
   you are exalted far above all gods. 
Let those who love the LORD hate evil,
   for he guards the lives of his faithful ones
   and delivers them from the hand of the wicked. 
Light shines on the righteous
   and joy on the upright in heart. 
Rejoice in the LORD, you who are righteous,
   and praise his holy name.        Psalms 97:9-12

School, Already???

When you adopt two orphans, how do you know when it is time to leave them with someone else?

Adopted kids can have BIG issues that other kids don't have. It's sometimes hard to tell when the kids are having issues related to their adoption (such as abandonment or grief or anger issues), or when they are just having regular age-appropriate developmental challenges. As adoptive parents, we are sensitive to not wanting to etch those adoption-related issues deeper into their little selves. We consciously want to nurture and heal the boys and help them to trust and attach and to feel safe and secure.

And I want to share that I am soooo not perfect at always creating this sort of nurturing environment. I have lost it a few times. Like yelled and cried and crumpled into a ball on the floor. Not exactly creating the best atmosphere where the munchkins can feel safe, eh? Not exactly being the best example of a consistent, loving mother, eh? I succumb to the pressure and stress sometimes. Adopting two is really something else.

We have heard from several friends that going from two to three kids was the most difficult jump. We laugh in the face of that and say, "HAHAHA we'll skip the jump from 1 to 2 kids, and go straight to 3! And stir in a whole mess of issues from their past! Bring it on!"

Maybe we're just crazy.

                           (cue in the "koo-koo, koo-koo" sound here)

But it feels more like this is God's idea. So we embrace all the challenges and bad moments, and get past them. I apologize and ask for my sons' forgiveness. I pray harder to love our sons the way God loves me. Unconditionally. Completely. Just as I am.

So back to how do you know when it is time to leave them with someone else?

In retrospect, I wish I would have realized that I didn't need to worry so much about leaving newborn #1 with someone we really trust. Newborns are clueless. They will mostly sleep, and cry when they are hungry or need a diaper or want to be held. Very basic and (assuming not colicky) easy to care for. Even if they need to be held the whole time you are gone, big whoop.

The munchkins, ya, not quite so clueless.

Now, with D, we are dealing with indiscriminate affection issues. That means he will be affectionate (i.e. hugging and touching) toward anyone. No fear of strangers. Which makes it easier to leave him with anyone. Because he will go to anyone. Anyone, anywhere. Grocery store, doctors' office waiting room... you get the idea. So if we leave him with people we trust, we're good to go. Not creating any deeper issues. In fact, we left him in his church class last Sunday and he did great. Teacher said he was quiet and didn't want to participate in the singing and dancing, but he seemed to be taking it all in and was content. We checked him a few times, and saw him trying to get adults' attention in the class. But he was happy. Exactly what we would expect.

We also tried to leave S in his church class on Sunday, but... well let's say it is too soon for Samuel to be left by himself in his class :o)

We don't have family very close by to help out with babysitting. We do have some close friends, and they are really more like family anyway. So last week one time and this week one time we left both boys with our good friends for an hour or two. They had played at both houses so we knew things would be familiar to them. They did great! No crying or fussing or anything! Woot woot!!!

Thank you, beautiful friends!

Our next step with Samuel is to leave him at a friends' house by himself sometime. Maybe after the holidays.

Our next step with David is school.

(insert big GULP to ward off tears here)

We had a meeting with the school district, and D qualifies for speech services. So because he is in the 3-5 year old range, he will receive those services in a school setting. Three mornings a week.

(another big GULP and blink back tears...)

So today we go to our elementary school and register David for preschool. His teacher is super-sweet, and his speech therapist used to be a preschool teacher which is a huge bonus. We feel that this is clearly where D needs to be, and we know God's hand was in this. Before the meeting, I was totally gearing up to fight for what D needs. God was already handling it, as always :o) Teacher reports that the kids in class all work together well and help each other out. We'll also visit the class today so David can meet his teacher and his new school friends.

And David is soooo excited to go to school. You should see how happy he is when we talk about it.

I'll let you know how the first day goes...

(((hugs))),
chris

Gratitude

We had our first Thanksgiving dinner on Sunday, so it feels like the "holiday season" is upon us already! Woo hoo!

Our Thanksgiving holiday gives us a reminder to pause and to be grateful for all of our blessings. Sometimes it is easy to get caught up in the difficulties and stress and busyness of everyday life. So many times when I have felt  like our situation is too hard, in those "Why me?" moments, God gives me shots of perspective. He lets me see the joyful part of our lives. He brings someone else's tragedy or truly difficult situation to my attention~someone else who needs prayers. The Lord reminds me that He's always with me.

And sometimes He hits me upside the head to bring me back around.

I find when I take a step back and look at my life, there is so much to be grateful for, both big and little things. I just wanted to share part of my list here. I am grateful for:

• having God in my life.
• my husband and I having God at the center of our marriage and our family.
• my husband, who is one amazing man. He loves me completely.
• our biological son, and the experience of bringing him into the world. Wow, that was cool.
• our two adopted sons, and the experience of bringing them into our family. ...What a long, strange trip it has been...
• God's fingerprint on every part of the munchkins' adoptions.
• the joyful noise of three loud boys in the house.
• the joyful lack of noise when three boys are sleeping at night :o)
• hugs.
• my mom, who is one of the most kind and generous people I know.
• my sister, and our relationship being closer than ever. I love ya, sista. You are the reason that I never wanted Josh to be an "only".
• my dad. I miss you. Even though your disease made my childhood not so fun, it did shape who I am today. You would have been sober 26 years this year, Daddio...
• my family, and my in-laws. They are the coolest.
• a strong, healthy body.
• hearing the wind blow through the leaves in the trees.
• popcorn.
• answered prayers.
• my friends, both past and present. I have been and am truly blessed by each of you.
• music and "dance parties".
• hugs.
• kisses.
• snow and rainbows and sunshine and thunderstorms.
• a house to live in and plenty of food to eat.
• unanswered prayers.
• sunrises and sunsets.
• choices.
• our garden (aka Chris' therapy room).
• hugs.
• my husband coming home safely every day after work.
• my husband having a job he loves.
• our neighbors.
• dogs and cats.
• time I spend with the critters at the wildlife rehab center.
• emotions - all of them.
• jellybeans.
• hugs.

(((hugs))),
chris


Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.     Colossians 3:15-17

Joshua

I am still madly in love with this little boy:

Joshua's 1st Grade School Picture

Our #1 son, Joshua, is a strong, understanding, loving boy. I am so proud of him. Life hasn't always been easy in our house and we've had our challenges, but Josh has always taken things in stride. He is flexible and understanding and forgiving. He always tries his best at whatever he does. He is so smart: he's reading around a 2nd-3rd grade level and his comprehension is great. His math ability is advanced for a 1st grader, and he enjoys non-fiction books. He loves learning. He is also active, and is doing awesome in his swimming lessons and at riding his two-wheeler bike. He has enjoyed T-ball and basketball. He will start basketball again in January, and will do T-ball next summer.

He still has an addiction to Legos.

Joshua is a sweet boy. He needs his snuggle time. Like NEEDS it or things just ain't right. He received a character award at school last week. He lit UP when he saw all of us walk in the auditorium. Look at him in his light blue uniform shirt wearing his school ID around his neck ~ he's such a big kid. His teacher is the blonde and she has been such a blessing to Josh. Check out the picture:

Thank you, Lord, thank you thankyouthankyouthankyou for giving us this little boy to care for and to love and to raise. I promise to do my best as his mother. Thank you for blessing me with the experience of carrying him in my womb and birthing him and nursing him. It was incredible. It still is incredible watching him grow.

Somewhere along the way, somewhere between Surgery Day and Bye-Bye-to-the-No-No's Day, somewhere in there something clicked and he really REALLY loves his brothers now. They became HIS brothers. He claimed them. It's so cool. We never ever wanted Josh to be an only child, and he's not anymore. And he knows it.

(((hugs))),

chris

2 Corinthians 13:11  Finally, brothers and sisters, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.

Check out our Munchkins

But first, a question for you that has been boggling my mind:

How do bloggers with multiple children find time to blog??? I follow several blogs of people with four to seven children and they blog almost daily. I am super-impressed. And I love their blogs. Maybe their children sleep longer than for 20-30 minute increments :o)  Or maybe their computers don't take 20 minutes to load a web page.

Someone tell my husband there are faster computers now ;o)

Anyhoo, I digress...

Gotta type fast before the next one wakes up.

Here are the munchkins and big bro' too:

Crazy Hair Day at Josh's school

So of course the other ones had green hair all day

#2 and #3 were a big hit at the surgeon's office at their followup visit that day :o)



We LOOOVE noodles ~ in the bowl, on the table, in our drink, on the floor, in our hair...

The leaning tower of David ~ it stayed like that for an hour until Baba got home from work.

Our trip to the Pumpkin Ranch

feeding the goats

I can't believe how big #1 is.

belly buttons!!!



First snow of the year ~ almost a foot of snow! It was 80 degrees two days ago... gotta love Colorado!

Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

 (((hugs))),
chris


Glory and honor to God forever and ever. He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. Amen.   1 Timothy 1:17

Inquiring Minds...

I have heard this question (or a version of it) a lot, "Are the boys done with surgeries now?"

Oh, no, my friend. Oh, no.

And that question is followed up with some version of, "How many more surgeries?" or "What else needs to be fixed?"

Do we know how many or what kinds of surgeries they will need? Nope.

Sorry to be vague. It is a kind of "wait and see" process. I think we'll only know what should be the next step as we go along.

The boys just had their first surgery. We only know what is next. Samuel will have his full lip repair done in about 6 months. That means they line everything up and attach all the muscles under his lip. He doesn't look much different now from the front (you should see the roof of his mouth though :) it's very amazing and exciting), but he should after the next surgery. With David, we wait for him to grow and then the doc will attempt to close up the top of his mouth (his hard palate). How long will that take? Who knows. How about we evaluate again in 6 months. I predict that David's palate will take several surgeries to close.

I'm not being pessimistic, just being realistic. Wouldn't it be a pleasant surprise to only have one surgery to close up David's palate, eh?

I also predict one more lip revision for David. I double-checked with my crystal ball on this one :o)   I think there is still a loose muscle in there that needs to be fixed. Perhaps it was fixed this last surgery, but a flying book or no-nos rubbing on his face made it detach...

Once the lips and roofs of the mouth are closed up, and the boys are talking more clearly, we'll be able to see ~ or rather hear ~ if their soft palate is working properly. Your soft palate is the flappy part at the back of your throat that keeps you from sounding like Nasal-Nelly all the time. You need to close your soft palate to make certain sounds when you speak, especially the plosives like "b" and "p". If the boys can't seem to do this, they can be evaluated to find out the reason. I think they can put some sort of camera in their nose and take a look at what might be causing the trouble ~ whether the soft palate just isn't moving (velopharangeal incompetence) or it isn't long enough (velopharangeal insufficiency).

If their soft palate isn't closing because it is not big enough, then they will need that fixed surgically. I think there are two ways to do this. The docs can either reconstruct the soft palate or make a "speed bump" out of tissue so that the soft palate can close. I'm not sure at what age this would happen... so I'll guess around 5-6ish.

After their permanent teeth come in, they will need a bone graft in their upper teethridge (the alveolar ridge). I think the docs usually take bone from the hip to do this. All kids with clefts that go up into the roof of their mouth need this, since there is a split in their gumline. I have heard this surgery falls into the "not fun" category just like the hard palate surgery... ouch...

As they grow, we'll see if their jaw and upper teethridge are growing at the same pace. Sometimes the upper teethridge doesn't grow fully with all the stuff that's happenin' in there, so surgery is needed to line the top and bottom up. I think that happens later, maybe in the late teen years when they are at their adult size.

And all along the way we'll keep an eye on their ears in case they need new ear tubes.

And fistulas will not be our friends. Those mean more surgeries. We love our plastic surgeon, but not that much...

So that's surgery-land as I know it.

I bet I got something wrong will learn more as we go along.

I have to figure out a short and sweet answer to the question, "Are the boys done with surgeries now?"

Ask me when they are in high school and we'll have a better idea :o)

(((hugs))),
chris


Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.   1 Peter 5:7