Trauma ramblings

The American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) for the diagnosis of PTSD is that "the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others. The person's response to the event must involve intense fear, helplessness, or horror."


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Imagine that you are a few days old, and you wake up alone on the sidewalk on a bridge or in a train station. Instead of the familiar smell, heartbeat and arms of your mother to comfort you when you cry, no one comes for what seems like forever. When someone finally notices you, it is a stranger. Imagine then, that for the next 6 months or a year or more you are confined to a crib where you are cared for sporadically by many people who also care for many other babies. No one picks you up when you cry. You are not fed when you are hungry, but fed when it is convenient for your caregiver. Your bottle is propped in your mouth and if it falls out you may not get more until the next bottle 8 hours later. Your diaper is dirty. You are cold. You are not held enough or loved enough if at all. And when you are scared at night because of the dark and the crying of other babies, you are left to comfort yourself.*

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Trauma occurs when an event elicits fear, helplessness and overstimulation in a child.

I think institutionalization always causes trauma.

There are many studies out there that show that trauma and stress cause physiological and chemical changes in the brain. When the trauma is experienced in children while the brain is still developing, the effects have huge consequences. Trauma can affect a child's cognition, gross and fine motor skills, language development, social interactions, attachment and trust, and self-perception. I am not smart enough or articulate enough to explain all of this, and there are whole books written on this topic. But I think the most important thing for adoptive parents to know is that their kids' brains are different than other kids' brains. These little brains are both physiologically and chemically different because while their brains were developing, these kids were living in a place of fight-flight-freeze-dissociation. Their brains and bodies lived in a stress-induced cortisol bath for weeks or months or years. This can cause behaviors such as aggression/rage, depression, attention/hyperactivity issues, anxiety, or withdrawing/avoidance.

The kind of behaviors that teachers call home about.

From the Post Institute website:

"Any family adopting a child from an orphanage should be informed that regardless of the age the child is going to have challenges in forming healthy, secure attachment for some time. They should be informed that their neurologic development is most likely challenged in key areas regarding social development and this will take time to repair, and their stress response system is highly sensitized and reactive."

"Highly sensitized and reactive". I wonder why.

We have stress reactions in our house. I will share just a couple of them here. One gets stressed and freezes and has a deer-in-the-headlights look (dissociation) ~ maybe triggered by fear of being "bad" or doing something wrong or making mom mad. One increases his neediness and clinginess exponentially and needs mama/baba several times a night and cries about missing whoever is not with him (fight) ~ maybe triggered by fear of losing those people close to him which has happened several times in his life.

I am not sure if we fit the APA's definition of PTSD or not. Thank God we do not have RAD in our house (Reactive Attachment Disorder). I pray God's blessing over all those families dealing with RAD. What we do have is persistent and pervasive issues related to loss and trauma that we deal with daily.

I think this is just an inherent part of adoption.

I think it is really important to always keep this in mind when our munchkins are struggling with anything.

I expect we will be dealing with this for years if not for all their lives to some degree.

While I am talking about these issues caused by trauma, these issues do not DEFINE who are kids are. These issues are just one part of them, and as their parents we need to be aware of the adoption-related issues and remember what caused them. Then we can love them and parent them and help our kids heal from their trauma, while nurturing and appreciating our kids' other amazing parts like
   a great sense of humor or
   an incredible memory or
   a loving attitude or 
   great imaginative play or
   a natural musical aptitude or
   a new addiction to Legos
   a love of books or
   great athletic ability or
crikey I could go on and on.

They are kids first.

Like I mentioned in my last post, these hard places we have been do not define us, but rather that those hard places get woven into us and shape us and become a beautiful part of us. 

Thank you, Lord, for answered prayers.

(((hugs))),
chris

Give your burdens to the Lord,
and he will take care of you.
He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

Psalm 55:22


*I can't remember where I saw this story, so I can't appropriately credit the author.

A Year Ago this month

I was ANGRY.

Pissed-off.

Black-cloud over my head.

Stick-a-fork-in-me DONE.

I was angry at myself (How could I not instantly love the poor little, former-orphan child? Am I a monster?)

I was angry at God (Why did he take so many babies from us? He brought these munchkins here, where is He now? Why aren't we just clicking?).

I was angry that we had to adopt at all (Why couldn't we just have just given birth to one of those six babies we lost? WTF? Just one?).

I was angry at all the books I ever read about adoption (Why didn't someone mention that I could be the one having trouble attaching?).

I was angry at anyone who said we looked like we were so happy. Anyone who told us how lucky the boys are. Anyone who said oh the boys are doing so well. (Really? Come home with me and I'll show you. Happy, shmappy.)

Because outward appearances are easy. Because seeing us for an hour or a couple hours only gives you one small snapshot of us. What's happening the rest of the time and inside your heart and head can be polar opposite.

And who was I to complain? I felt like I should just shut up and suck it up and just appreciate that God gave me the opportunity to be a mother again. I desperately wanted, cried for, prayed for, pleaded with God for another child. And here they were.

Shut up, Chris. You got what you asked for.

A year ago in November I was an angry person. I was ashamed of my anger, so I tried to fake it. "Fake it 'til you make it" was my motto. My mantra.

One day at a time.

I was barely surviving.

Hanging on by my fingernails.

But in the middle of "faking it", I felt pretty crappy. And I had to walk around being crappy-me whilst trying to be a good mama to my three boys.

Polar opposites.

A year later, and God gives me perspective. He has shown me over this past year that He has been there the whole time.

          Duh.

I will never forget my lowest day. On this lowest day, my get-me-outta-here-I-give-up day, #1 was at school and #2 and #3 were running all over the house playing. I sat at the table with the black cloud over my head and the computer on and tears streaming down my face and sobbing, looking up "post-adoption depression" and "post-adoption blues".

Did you know there is such a thing?
(insert a ray of sunshine through the black clouds here)

So on this lowest of low days, I talked with my hubby on the phone and well, I probably hung up on him because that's how I roll sometimes but I don't remember exactly... So he showed up at home. He left work to come take care of me.

I think he loves me.

Fast forward to our next visit with our social worker in February. She asked all the social workery questions about the kids attaching, and medical stuff, and how is our older son handling things, then she actually asked if we were having trouble attaching to the kids. I wanted to scream, "WHY DID NOONE EVER MENTION THIS BEFORE WE BROUGHT THESE KIDS HOME? WHY DIDN'T I EXPECT THAT I MIGHT BE THE ONE HAVING TROUBLE???" But time had passed since my lowest-get-me-outta-here day so I handled it a bit more tactfully. (insert thanks to God here)

I wonder if it was in some of the books that I read prior to adopting, and maybe I skipped over it? It could happen. After all, why would I expect to NOT attach right away? We wanted these kids so much and went through so much just to be parents again. We have an older son who we adore. Why would it be different for us, the parents?


So let's talk about a few places where God showed up over the past year...
1)  D starting school in November right around the time I was so angry - God gave me three mornings a week break for me, and David loves school so it was good for him too.
2)  Jas coming home from work on that meltdown day. God poured a little more glue in our marriage that day.
3) Books - especially The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, by Foli and Thompson. I recommend it to anyone who is adopting. Seriously. Go to Amazon and buy it. Or you can borrow my copy if you like.
4) Our church's adoption support group (praise God for L & L who organize it :-) and the adoption mom's coffee group that I went to a handful of times.
5) Another adoptive mom sharing this bit o' info from an adoption counselor: attachment for the adopted kids averages 6-9 months, and attachment for parents can average 12-18 months. That was my 2nd eye-opening, I saw the sun breaking through the clouds day.
6) Our friends who loved us and supported us and prayed for us. And who listened to me vent. A lot.
7) God using our Sunday morning service, as well as some adoption blogs I follow. He has used these sources so many stinkin' times to speak directly to me.
8) My mom-in-law sharing her experience being an adoptive parent. Letting me know it is going to be OK.
9) With the social worker in February.


Once I started talking with my husband and other adoptive parents, I didn't feel so alone. God put so many people in my life who "got it". It is always so cool to get a glimpse at how He orchestrates our lives. God placed people in our lives to help us get through this. What I was feeling was not uncommon in the land of adoptive parents.

I pray that He uses me to help other adoptive parents.

I pray that other adoptive families have their eyes opened to the side of parental attachment issues and post-adoption blues before their kids come home. I pray the social workers will include this in their pre-adoption sessions. Being caught off-guard by this really threw me a curve ball. It could have been very dangerous for our family.
......................
So fast forward to today. I am in a good place. The black cloud started lifting sometime around January-February of this year, and the hard months turned to good weeks and bad weeks, turned to good days and bad days. It continues to be a process. Now I have mostly good days sprinkled with some really difficult hours. I know it is OK to not like my kid sometimes. I know I won't ever love them all exactly the same. I know it will be a long road to teach the munchkins to not operate from a place of fear or desperation.

I know that the hard places we have been do not define us, but rather that those hard places get woven into us and shape us and are becoming a beautiful part of us.

Best of all, I know God has been there the whole time carrying me, guiding me, healing me, teaching me, and loving me.

(((hugs))),
chris


But each day the Lord pours his unfailing love upon me,
    and through each night I sing his songs,
    praying to God who gives me life.
             Psalm 42:8

Happy Halloween

Here are pictures of the wild & ca-rayzee boys from last night:

Josh the Ninja

Dave the Racecar Driver and Sammy the Elmo
Why are their mouths open? you ask.
So they can YELL, of course ;-)

All three of the wild childs... Sam is punching the back of D's car...
'cuz that's what brothers do

So then I go looking through the rest of the Halloween pics and I find these four all in a row...

See any similarities between the four males in my house???

(((hugs))),
chris

No, O people, the Lord has told you what is good,
     and this is what he requires of you:
  to do what is right, to love mercy,
     and to walk humbly with your God.
                        Micah 6:8

#$%@ People Say To Transracial Families

I just found this YouTube video and wanted to share.

Click here to check it out.

We also get these comments and questions. Often.

(((hugs))),
chris

“This, then, is how you should pray:

“‘Our Father in heaven,
hallowed be your name,
 your kingdom come,
your will be done,
    on earth as it is in heaven.
 Give us today our daily bread.
 And forgive us our debts,
    as we also have forgiven our debtors.
 And lead us not into temptation,
    but deliver us from the evil one.

Matthew 6:9-13

Fun Family Time

Today is mostly pictures - enjoy!

David has the best bedhead in our family - we call it his "mohawk"

Our adoption support group had an outing to a therapeutic riding center. The boys had a blast!

coloring on a horse with chalk

D shooting an arrow

Josh's new favorite sport is archery

D on a horse (he will try ANYTHING)

S didn't quite make it on top of the horse - but he walked his horse around the arena

D playing basketball

Josh's black eye - look at all the pretty colors!

We went to the pumpkin patch:

D & S "flying" on airplanes

J driving an "old-fashioned" car

S riding on a horse - he had just stopped crying

D on his pony

J on a barrel train ride - the slooooowest barrel train I have ever seen

I love my cop :) xoxo

Th-th-that's all folks!

(((hugs))),
chris


God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work
in all of us. 1 Corinthians 12:6

Construction Updates

We saw our neighbors outside the other day high-fiving and fist-bumping each other.

Why? you ask.

Because the driveway Port-A-Potty is GONE!!!

Woo hoo!!! (insert jump and click heels together here)

This is fantastic news because it also means that they are. just. about. done. with. construction!!!

The boys have been a little sad when they realize the two main construction guys won't be here almost every day anymore. And Jas even said he felt a little bittersweet saying goodbye to the construction guys.

I say, "See ya! Don't let the door hit ya in the keyster!" No bittersweet or sad anythings going on for me. No sirree! Good job, thank you, and see ya bye!

Here, check this out:

Carpet last Friday ~
The boys are "into" wrestling in the family room now!

Grammy is in town ~ we can spreeeeaaaaad out and play games now!

The new door that replaced our old sliding glass door

Outside... Oooh. Aaaah.

We only have a few things left before it is all done. We have to paint two short sections of gutter trim (what's that called?), the gutters should be put on early next week, and the stone tiles for around the fireplace are on backorder so those will go up in a few weeks. We also have to install different smoke detectors before the city does their inspection. Those just arrived today. That's it!

Woot woot!

Now to start planning the kitchen remodel for early next year...

(((hugs))),
chris


Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted
eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole
scope of God’s work from beginning to end. Ecclesiastes 3:11

Letting Go

We all have this tendency to think that we have things under control when we like how things are going. Or we feel stressed out because we don't feel like we have any control when things don't go the way we think they should.

The truth is that deep down people actually having control is an illusion.

All smoke 'n mirrors, baby.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6-7

We only have control over our own actions and thoughts and words. Our choices. Not anyone else's choices. Or our children, our spouse, our coworkers, the freight train schedule that makes us late for school pickup, our government, our illnesses, nothing. Our choices can and will have an effect on others, but will not control others.

So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.   1 Corinthians 10:31

My dad was in Alcoholics Anonymous for a long time. When I was 16 he got sober. He was sober for 19 years before he died. We have the Serenity Prayer hanging in our front room. I always loved AA's slogans. Here is my favorites list:
  One day at a time
  KISS - keep it simple, stupid
  We're all here because we're not all there   :)
  This too shall pass
  If God seems far away, who moved?
  The will of God will not take you where the grace of God will not
  Courage to change

Slogans are the wisdom written in shorthand. My favorite having to do with control is "Let go, let God." If we let go of our need to feel in control, and move out of the way, then God will move in and through and all around us and He will take care of everything. Fill every. Single. Need.

You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy.   1 Peter 1:8

Our God is the One who has sovereign control over us. Our lives. Over everything in the world. All the big things and all the details. Over all the good. And when "bad" things happen, maybe He made it happen, or maybe it was a person exercising their free will and making a bad choice that affected others.

One thing we know as Christians is that everything is all for His glory in the end. God will turn it all to good.

Every stinkin' thing.

Because of our faith, Christ has brought us into this place of undeserved privilege where we now stand, and we confidently and joyfully look forward to sharing God’s glory. 
          Romans 5:2

Maybe we get to see how He is glorified in this life. Maybe we don't.

The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.
          1 Peter 1:9

Hear it. Rinse. Repeat. "Salvation of your souls." Eternal life. In heaven. With Jesus.

Clarity. Joy. Love.

Awesome.

That's my goal.

In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation.  1 Peter 5:10

Let go, let God. So super-easy to say and so freaking hard to do.

I'm keeping my eyes on the prize at the finish line. I will love God. I will love the people around me. I will pray. I will struggle with this. I will turn the control over to Jesus.

Do not let any part of your body become an instrument of evil to serve sin. Instead, give yourselves completely to God, for you were dead, but now you have new life. So use your whole body as an instrument to do what is right for the glory of God.  Romans 6:13

Lord, take me and use me as your instrument.

Just as the body is dead without breath, so also faith is dead without good works.  James 2:26

Lord, use me as your instrument. Bring it. I'm listening.

(((hugs))),
chris


May you always be filled with the fruit of your salvation—the righteous character produced in your life by Jesus Christ —for this will bring much glory and praise to God.
           Philippians 1:11

Pictures

I haven't taken many pictures of us since we have been living in construction-land. Here are a few recent and maybe-not-so-recent pictures of my guys...

Brothers playing iPad

Brothers playing Play Doh

Brothers spinning beyblades or ninjago or something....

Sammy & our old man cat, Killer

Brothers playing Twister

My Supermen

(((hugs))),
chris

Don't copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.
                        ~ Romans 12:2